Random thoughts amidst semi-concrete thoughts about the future...

I am not used to having so much time on my hands....felt like I need to reflect...or something. ha! So, I hit an emotional point 2 days ago...5 weeks to the day after my accident. Backtrack...the night before, I had a great night with James, whom I have been spending alot of time with. And I mean, a great night...I feel so comfortable being myself with him, it's almost weird. He is like the guy that I become great friends with, except that there is also attraction...add to that the fact that he is emotionally available, and you have yourself a winner. Did I mention that he used to be a chef and LOVES to cook?
Anyhoo...I could go on and on, but I got really emotional and cried a few times, because I could see myself really falling for this guy. I kept thinking "I am not ready for this", and I am not so sure what I am not ready for...am I not ready for the emotional openness, or for the pain that may happen if it falls through? I brought it up to him that night, and the fact that I had not been ready to commit to anyone unless I felt that there was a definite future (if that can ever be definite).... that I had made plans to meet other people in CO and AZ while Keely was in camp. He claimed that I am the only one he is putting energy into, that if I want to meet other guys, that's my preogative, but that he won't wait around. He knows what he wants, but only if I want it too. ... He said that I should let someone (him) love me....
He is so positive and complimentary, without being weird or overzealous or needy about it. He's smart and conscientious....I only worry that he doesn't seem to have much to lose, and he seems to go from one girl to another (will ask him about that),....and he wants kids eventually. I have decided not to have anymore, although way back in my mind I kept the option somewhat open depending on whom I meet and what develops.
I am excited about US, though.... I really feel like he will be my best friend as well as lover, partner in crime, athletic partner and coach, and more.
As for the future, he is currently working on fashioning his life to make what he loves and knows best work for him financially. He has a diverse background in business and athletics and is putting plans in motion...and that is what I want to do. I want to find a way to combine athletics with pharmacy in a way that my career will actually foster my love of physical activity and endurance sports. I feel that my connection with James while he does this will be perfect for ideas and possible springboarding what I want to do.
So, while I am a bit hesitant about the thought of being in a relationship again, I feel so good about this... and I feel like I have kept my head this time. We both decided to take our time in the beginning, and everything he has said, he has done so far. Now I feel like I am rambling, but it's random thoughts, with the future in mind.
I feel good about this....even though I am telling guys I was going to meet in CO and AZ that I won't be visiting, I feel right. I have an awesome guy here. Why go pursue someone in another state that I may or may not even get to know better?
I am feeling like going for it...I AM going for it. He senses where I am at, and he sees me for who I am. We have similar things in the past that create a basis of understanding that I don't have with many other people. We can make comments that other people wouldn't understand, but we both know the underlying meaning. No explanation needed.
Yeah, I like him. I like my future...I feel good about things...actually, yesterday I felt amazingly balanced. I was able to get alot done, to not dwell on things so much, to picture myself in a more positive light....and I just felt calm about what is happening now and where it will lead. He is a good influence on me, a positive influence for sure.
Will write more about pharmacy later... just had James on the brain for a bit.

When life throws a curveball....

I have been reminded yet again not to count too much on things going as planned. I have had a rough turn of events, and I am proud of myself for keeping positive. I honestly think a lot of it is surrounding myself with positive people, but overall it is me that determines how I deal with life. So, for a general timeline of my past year:

May 2007
1st year of pharmacy school finals
1 week later, classmate dies of drug overdose
Same day I find out, I started a fellowship and I hit the final straw with my husband and his addiction

Several months of serious training and emotional divorce

September 25, 2008
Separated from my husband- my daughter and I lived with my parents while I finished school and found an apartment

October 2008
SOMA HIM, my first- 5:46, well below my goal of 6 hours

November, 2008
Started dating Sean from Durango

December 12, 2008
Divorce is final

December 15, 2008
Finish finals and start moving into my new apartment

Several months of training more than studying, dating Sean, and adjusting to being a single mom again

April 20, 2008
Sean and I break up....we had been talking about the future, and I was sure I was falling in love. This breakup brought me to my knees and to this day hurts when I think of that week.

May 15, 2008
Finals end, and I don't care anymore about my grades, just that I survived

May 18, 2008
Buffman and Squeaky, Oly PR

May 20, 2008**- the curveball of 2008
Had a great 2-hour ride with new friend and ex pro-cyclist James, and that evening attended the crit, where I fractured my pelvis in a crash involving a pedestrian...separate entry for this event

May 24, 2008
Iron Horse Bicycle Classic, Durango, CO...was gonna be my first road race, but couldn't do it

May 25, 2008
Narrow Gauge 10-miler...again, couldn't do it

June 14, 2008
Take Keely to camp in Durango, where she will be for a month!
First ride outside on a bike since accident

June 17, 2008
4 weeks since crash and finished 4th successful bike ride

So, I have been feeling extremely unfocused for several months, but when I look at the fact that I went through a divorce involving some serious emotional issues I won't divulge online, and became a single mom again, plus keeping up (barely) in a tough year of pharmacy school, keeping up my training, dating a great guy only to have it fall apart right before finals, and then a major injury that has sidelined all of my wonderful and ambitious plans for the summer, I try and give myself a break.