Friday, September 12, 2008

Relationship Crash Course

Last one from MySpace
Thursday, September 04, 2008

Relationship crash course
Current mood: thoughtful

Part of this came from a response to a letter of concern from a distant friend... been doing alot of thinking and processing while grieving the loss of my latest relationship.... long story. I, the one who tells everyone she knows that she is not having any more kids, and she is not getting pregnant again, was open to the idea of having a family with James. He told me he was in it for the long haul, that he still wants to have kids, and I was seriousy considering the possibility. While I was with my ex-husband for 6 years, I never had that family unit. I raised Keely alone from day one and instead of sharing those tender young years, I struggled through divorce and school and work. I enjoyed her, but always alone. Even in my marriage, it wasn't the same. He was older, not so much into kids, although he took her in and loved her like his own. I still was always conscious of the fact that she was solely mine. I never thought I could have that little family unit from the start, until I met James. I have been so hurt lately because he broke up with's a long story, and on one hand I respect him for it, but I also resent him for not giving us another chance. So, here is what I put in my letter:

It amazes me that I let this stuff get to me, but I let myself have relationships, and intense ones at that, because we only live once. I am so sick of people telling me that I just need to concentrate on school, that I don't have time for a relationship. I am in my 9th year of college. Can you imagine what a wound up, bitter little tight ass I would be if I had put off any relationships during all those years?! I have learned so much about myself and people through my last 3 relationships, it is unbelievable. I feel like I am in a crash course on relationship skills. Perhaps it is life getting me ready for the real one. Perhaps life is making sure I learn all my lessons so that when he comes along, I will be ready to have the real relationship I know where respect is at the foundation of all actions, where trust is inevitable vs doubtful, where it is safe to be oneself and to say what you feel without fear of the other person shutting off or leaving. RESPECT for the other involves first respecting yourself, and honesty with others involves first being honest with yourself.... I got the lesson in honesty with my ex, then respect with the last one, but with James I learned to be honest with myself, and hence honest with others. That's what cost me. I was honest with James at the risk of losing him, and it backfired. I guess it wasn't meant to be, or at least I have to think that way in order to function. Otherwise, I am standing in an open doorway, door flung open, air rushing out, but looking out onto a closed door.... that's counterproductive to healing.

And I think that instead of letting another guy in, I am gonna get a dog to keep me company on those lonely nights when I am stuck at home (because I have to stay with my daughter you know) and everyone is asleep. I can talk to my dog, hold her, and get unconditional love and affection without all the heartache.... maybe just getting through those lonely nights will allow me to not seek companionship.... now I am going against all I said in the beginning of the blog, but that's how life goes.... full circle.


From MySpace again...
Sunday, August 17, 2008

On honesty and it’s place in a relationship
Current mood: pensive

So, been having some issues with honestly in my relationship, obviously. I find it hard to fathom how someone can not know that ultimate honesty is the basis of a relationship. Respect is really the foundation. Respect really is another term for unconditional love in my book. Out of respect comes honesty, for if you respect the person you are with, you know that honesty now will hurt him/her less in the long run. Unfortunately, honesty with others first requires honesty with self. One must address how he/she has erred in order to admit that to another. People are so in denial about their wrongs. In relationships, it all becomes about pointing fingers. When things go awry, even slightly off kilter, I first look at myself and how my actions might have changed to affect such change. I also look at the other person's life to try and understand. I no longer believe in "selfish love", in which you do something to elicit the other's affection, adoration, etc. That is utter bullshit and serves the other person no good. The idea is to make the other person's life better. If 2 people can make each other's lives a little better, then that is a beautiful thing. It isn't easy long term, but it is worth it.

I am reading a book called "Radical Honesty" by Brad Blanton. This guy doesn't fuck around. Here is a little excerpt. I hope it's meaning isn't lost in translation, as it is on pg. 80 of the book:

'Understanding telling the truth, like understanding golf, is relatively simple. Doing it is a little harder. Still, it's clear that the revelations at each level of telling the truth allow for greater sharing of who a person is and what they are about. When we reveal more, we have less to hide. When we have less to hide, we are less worried about being found out. When we are less worried about being found out, we can pay better attention to someone else. In this way, telling the truth makes intimacy and freedom possible.'

How simple and beautiful and true! Why can't everyone see it that way?! One must understand the 3 levels of truth he talks about to really get this, but it is applicable regardless.

It saddens me that my beau can't admit to himself how he is messing things up. I wholly admit where I erred, and if pointed out other things I did wrong, I would be able to admit them (if I truly agree). I can't move on and be a better partner until I have bettered myself. I am far from perfect. I make mistakes every day. I never claimed to be perfect, but damnit I am trying to be better! If I were perfect, I would have no room to grow!

Why can't I find a man who is able to admit he doesn't know the answer, one who can admit he did wrong and face the consequences, instead of just pushing away the woman he loves? Isn't it sad that someone could be so afraid to admit a wrong (possibly winning his woman back because of it, vs. losing her), that he would rather just withdraw, thus pushing her away until she is gone?

It's not tragic. It's downright pathetic. It's the second time in the past year this has happened, and I am looking hard and fast at myself. I don't see everything, and since the men in my life are too chickenshit to come forth and tell me how they really feel, well, I will have to try and figure it out myself. Maybe, a few more heartbreaks down the road, I will eventually figure out where I may be going wrong also.

Don't get me wrong. This is no pity party. I despise whining. The heartbreaks will come because I refuse to let myself become jaded and guarded. Each time I get hurt, I think a big part of the fear is a fear of shutting myself off, of becoming jaded to the point of pushing wonderful people out of my life. So far, the pain has not been worse than the joy has been good. I prefer to live my life in it's fullness, as painful as it can be.

It so does hurt though to see happy families. I have never had a true dad for my that was there from day one to enjoy the infant days with me. I thought perhaps I might experience that with James. was a remote possibility. I love to hear the stories of all the funny things my parents have done together, but it so pained me tonight, because I so want to be with someone whom I can have those years of experiences with. Yet, I won't settle for less. I won't settle for someone who can't communicate with me and can't face himself. I have had to face myself and my part in the destruction of my marriages. Every relationship is a dance. Usually, each person is doing something in reaction to the other that is perpetuating whatever experience is most painful for him/her. I have seen where I have done that. While I was not committing a sin, I can see how I made some situations escalate with my reactions.

Oh, to be honest and have someone be honest back! That's all I ask. Is it really so much? Is it really so much to ask for respect? Not admiration, not adoration, merely respect, utmost respect and the love that grows out of it.

CrashTestBunny and Iron Horse

Also taken from MySpace

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Just call me Crash Test Bunny...
Current mood: optimistic

Well, I didn't let a fractured pelvis keep me from getting outta Dodge! I left town Friday and arrived around dinnertime in D-Town (aka Durango). My preceptor's friend has a house out here in Falls Creek Ranch, which is now a place I call heaven. It had been raining, so everything in D-Town was misty and soft. To get to the house, you have to drive a good 8 miles off of Main Street, and half of that on dirt road, which was muddy as all hell.( BTW, I brought my bike and trainer, so my bike is super dirty right now!!) I couldn't believe how beautiful this area's in it's own little valley, with it's own little lake, tucked in the mountains with rock formations on both sides that take your breath away....when I got to the "cabin", I cried. I though, "how could anyone NOT live right here?". The house is completely setup as if the owners just left. I am wanting for nothing, have a huge master suite with steam shower and jacuzzi tub, which I can't use until I take my stitches out, which is today!

Each room has its own bath and balcony looking out on the valley below....I am posting pictures is the perfect place to recover. It is Tuesday, and I am still there, planning on a couple more days in paradise.

Barely made it to Iron Horse registration, and they said they would transfer my registration to next year. Yeah!! So, went downtown that night and when I drove back to the house, it was snowing hard. Woke up to about 3-5 inches of snow. The Iron Horse RR had been canceled for the first time in the race's history.

Was very hard driving around and seeing all the riders who ventured out a bit later when it warmed up. The crit was Sunday, TT Monday, so they still needed to get their rides in. Spent most of the day down on Main Street with Keely, then went to the concert that night, which was pretty mellow. Had a nice dinner with Mike after (the one that spent the night in the hospital with me)...and met some of his somewhat new friends...had my wine and slept like a log that night. Sunday I spent the latter half of the day watching the crit's. What an amazing day!! I watched a bit of the women, I think it was Cat4, but then came back for the Cat3 men, followed by the Cruiser Crit. Anyone who has been to Iron Horse knows how much fun that is! I was at the Finish Line...I might have ended up in some pics...

OH! So, here's the funny part. I got a t-shirt made last minute on Saturday nite.... I wanted an orange shirt with CRASH TEST BUNNY real big on it. I figured I would stand on the corner at the crit with it on! lol I will post a pic of the shirt, but it was a fun way to make light of my not -so-fun situation. Anyhoo, enjoyed the crit and met some neat people there. Saw Steve from here at Steaming Bean (where I am at now), met a couple guys from Denver that ended up hanging out with us most of the night, and just had a blast! Watched the pro women, complete with Mara Abbott and Jeannie Longo ( ...She is 50 years old, and she outright beat the masters men that morning, then went on to get second in the pro crit, but only but the depth of a tire. The end of that crit was amazing, and I have a pic of the winning move!!!

The pro men was equally exciting, and I got to see the end of that too. Chris Weary won, but most of the crit, Todd Wells was waaaaay out front. At one point, I think the gap was about 40 seconds!!! Somewhere in there, Chris Weary closed the gap and they worked together for a bit....the gap was so huge, that on the final lap, they both started chatting and literally rolled through the finish line to start the first lap. I know they pounded it at some point, but they had space to spare to save up for the final sprint. It was so exciting to watch, as the lead guys in the pack switched so many times! Each lap, the order was completely different, ...way more aggressive than the Cat3's I watched.

So, went out that night to Mahogany Grille and watched Mike's friend Emily sing to her friend's piano accompaniment....she was great! It was a late night, and very fun..we ended up closing that place, then closing Steamworks Brewery, then heading home after midnight...can't remember the time. Keely had a blast!!

Last night Keely and I went to dinner with Mike after a day of relaxing at home. It was a fun dinner and another late night, as we closed that place too! I am happy to stay a couple more days here...might even get on my trainer while I am here, although I can't lift my left leg yet, and I am concerned I might have lacerated something inside, because I don't have full use of all my stomach muscles, leaving me with what I call my Pooh Bear a little pot 0' Will have to get it checked out.

So, just chilling out here and taking in the fresh mountain air....being inspired by all the cyclists and active people to get back in the groove soon.

Pics coming!!!


Day after bike accident

Taken from MySpace
Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Durango a No Go

So, it's 2 days away from Iron Horse in Durango, what was going to be my first road race, followed by a 10-mile foot race the next morning. I was planning on already being there, but here I am at my parents' house, still in hospital pants, with ice on my hip, narcotics in my system, and crutches.

Tuesday morning, I went for a great easy ride with a new friend and ex glad I got to enjoy a nice ride that day. I decided to go ahead and do the crit that night. I got there nice and early, and once things were set up I set out for my warmup. Halfway around the first lap, a soccer player started crossing. I yelled "Rider Left!", but what did he do? He sped up instead of stopping. I veered left hard to avoid him, and then a girl came out of nowhere and ran right in front of me. I couldn't avoid her and went crashing into her at probably just under 20mph. She went down on her face, and I went down on my left hip. I tried to get up, but realized that wasn't happening. I had road rash on my left arm, a gash (that is still bleeding!) on my left hip, and a very messed up pelvis.

I decided to sit around at the crit and watch for a while and drink some of the beers I had brought. I obviously wasn't racing, since I couldn't raise my left leg. At one point, I decided to get out of the chair and onto the grass so I could stretch out, at which point, my whole hip and back seized up. I grabbed onto my friend Mike...sure I surprised the hell out of him. I had to lean up against something to stop using those muscles. I knew I had to go to the hospital. Mike was nice enough to take me (and Keely) and hang out with us.

So, spent a few hours in the hospital, won't go into too much detail, although I could tell some interesting little stories. Turns out I have a fractured pelvis...if I could move faster, I would go get the xray pics and scan and post them...pretty cool stuff. Anyway, it's the wing of my pelvis and the fracture is through most of the heighth of the wing. Thankfully, it's non-weight bearing, but all my newly developed cycling muscles attach there, so if I twist at all, it pulls on the bone, hence excruciating pain if I move too much or too fast. Got one stitch in my hip and a round of morphine in the hospital, which really just made me loopy.

Mike was a godsend that night. He hung out with me the whole time, watched Keely when I had to go in for a procedure, took me to my parents afterward at 3am, and saw way too much of me in that one night. He saw me puke and nearly pass out after the percocet hit me on an empty stomach...not a pretty time...saw me getting a stitch, getting an ultrasound, loopy from morphine, crying in pain and in frustration, and more I can't think of right now.

So, not sure how long it will be until I am mobile again. I am still moving around slowly...if I can get in and out of my car without screaming, I still may go to Durango and hang out. There are so many people I know that will be there.

Anyhoo, it's awfully boring sitting around and not being able to just get up and go....makes you really appreciate the little things, like being able to go to the bathroom without crutches, or anywhere for that matter, being able to sit without pain, or riding your bike pain free.

P.S. The bike made it through fine. I asked them to check and make sure my new race wheels were still true. Yeah!

Buffman and Squeaky blog from MySpace

Took this from Myspace....

Sunday, May 18, 2008

End of finals AND Buffman and Squeaky Olympic Tri
Current mood: excited

Well, to start off, I have to explain how TOTALLY unprepared I felt for this race. I had finals all last week, and I needed to do well, so I was going on several days of WAY too much coffee and very little sleep, and very little training. I had 3 off days last week, and only minimal 1-hour workouts the other days, although last Saturday was a long workout....Thursday, I finished my last final in Pharmacotherapy, my killer hard class. The final was WAY easier than I thought, so I have hopes of maintaing a halfway decent grade. I almost don't care anymore. I am halfway done!

That night, I went out with a new friend that I met through cycling. It was a bit awkward, because I really don't want to date. I just want to hang out. I wanted to meet him somewhere, but he insisted on picking me he paid. I had 2 glasses of wine over the course of the night. We ended up talking for 9 hours, until it was about 1am and my eyes were rolling back in my head. I slept in a bit Friday, but went to a wedding that night. Had a BLAST! I danced my toosh off and decided that I need to check out some local salsa nights and find some hot dancer to hang out with who can literally sweep me off my feet (only on the dance floor...this girl is off limits for a while).

SOOO.....drove to Lubbock early Saturday morning....well, ended up leaving midday actually, got there just in time to meet my friends for dinner, whom I didn't find, but it turns out they were in the same restaurant the whole time....DUH. I had been worried about my hydration...I lost 2-3 lbs this past week, probably from shedding water cuz I wasn't working out much. Not good!! So, I drank and drank and had race day boost with juice. Not sure if it helped or not.

Had my kiddo with me, which is hard during a race. Kids just don't understand that mommy needs her quiet time the night before while doing the prerace rituals of cleaning the bike, setting up the bag, and making sure everything is in place so the morning is smooth. ....they would rather whine about every little thing. OMG.....Love my kid, but that was rough.

Smooth enough morning, water was COLD....about 56 degrees...thank Gawd for wetsuits!

SWIM: I went out okay and was planning on doing the usual bilateral breathing I have been doing,but that went out the door pretty quickly. I never did get into a good rhythm ..not for long. I thought my sighting was alright, but then kept finding myself too far off the buoys...maybe there was a current or I just swim funny. Some guy hit my face twice right at the end...I was having flashbacks to SOMA, except this time I didn't bleed.

BIKE: Transition was okay. I felt a bit relaxed and realized I needed to pick up the pace a bit. Now, my friends had told me that this was a hilly course, so I have been hitting the hills pretty hard at home, every long ride has been hills....and you do hit a very steep grade right out of transition...people who clip their shoes in ahead of time don't really have time to get in their shoes! There's a couple deep dips into and out of the canyon, but mainly flat terrain. I felt pretty good, started out around 163 HR, then dropped down to 157'ish and held, the entire race. I was averaging over 20mph, going a good 27mph at one flat stretch, but there must have been a bit of a tailwind, cuz I was only holding about 17-18 coming back. I passed quite a few guys, and quite a few passed me, but I felt strong out there.

RUN: I need to dismount better. Transition went fine..the bike to run is always super easy. I started out alright, although my feet were tingling for nearly 2 miles from the vibration on the road during the ride. I think I was holding an 8-8:30 pace, but felt like 11:00 pace. The sun was out in full force, and I was starting to feel it, but I kept plugging along at 157 HR. Some people told me that I was 4th overall female, and that the girl in front of me was about 1:00 ahead. I spotted her at the turnaround and got excited. I figured with negative splits, I might be able to catch her. No Way! GI upset and whooziness kicked in the second half of the run....I think I know what happened. I had 2 bottles originally for the bike, but took out my plain water to put my spare tube in the bottle holder. I had stopped using my seat pack when I started riding with roadies. Well, my water bottle had 2 scoops of Heed, and I had one gel halfway through the ride....and they didn't have plain water at the bike turnaround!!! I knew I was in deep doodoo at that point. I needed water so that the nutrition in my belly could move..I was hyperosmotic, which meant that nutrition was going nowhere, and water was moving into my belly. So....only 2 water stops on the run...I couldn't take in any more nutrition and only so much water...was getting the tingles all over...still haven't figured out if that is dehydration or plummeting blood sugar, or both. The last couple miles I was doing the Choo-Choo....anyone who has gotten to this point in the heat knows what I am talking about...when every exhale is a grunt, sigh, something....I was hurting, but I had to hold my place!!! Fourth overall was good for me if I could hold it. I finished in 2:46:47, which is 9 minutes faster than my last year's PR in olympic distance, so I am happy. I made sure to sprint at the end (always have to see what's left!) and did a thumbs up for the camera, but that smile didn't last long. I thought I was going to pass out at the end, nearly had an asthma attack, and HAD TO HAVE plain water!! I couldn't find any and was feeling really ill at this point. It didn't take long to get my head back on straight, but am still sick to my stomach, a good 8 hours later.

FINAL: 4th overall female (2+ minutes behind 3rd, and a full 12 minutes behind 1st), and 2nd in my age group. The award was a cute little engraved clear bone. The tri is called Buffman and Squeaky, named after 2 boston terriers who were nice enough to make their appearance. Adorable.

Good start to my race season, and I think if I had been rested and hydrated and had my plain water on the bike and run, that I might have beat that 3rd place girl. Next week, Iron Horse in Durango, followed by the Narrow Gauge 10-miler. Yippee! :0)

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Random thoughts amidst semi-concrete thoughts about the future...

I am not used to having so much time on my hands....felt like I need to reflect...or something. ha! So, I hit an emotional point 2 days ago...5 weeks to the day after my accident. Backtrack...the night before, I had a great night with James, whom I have been spending alot of time with. And I mean, a great night...I feel so comfortable being myself with him, it's almost weird. He is like the guy that I become great friends with, except that there is also attraction...add to that the fact that he is emotionally available, and you have yourself a winner. Did I mention that he used to be a chef and LOVES to cook?
Anyhoo...I could go on and on, but I got really emotional and cried a few times, because I could see myself really falling for this guy. I kept thinking "I am not ready for this", and I am not so sure what I am not ready I not ready for the emotional openness, or for the pain that may happen if it falls through? I brought it up to him that night, and the fact that I had not been ready to commit to anyone unless I felt that there was a definite future (if that can ever be definite).... that I had made plans to meet other people in CO and AZ while Keely was in camp. He claimed that I am the only one he is putting energy into, that if I want to meet other guys, that's my preogative, but that he won't wait around. He knows what he wants, but only if I want it too. ... He said that I should let someone (him) love me....
He is so positive and complimentary, without being weird or overzealous or needy about it. He's smart and conscientious....I only worry that he doesn't seem to have much to lose, and he seems to go from one girl to another (will ask him about that),....and he wants kids eventually. I have decided not to have anymore, although way back in my mind I kept the option somewhat open depending on whom I meet and what develops.
I am excited about US, though.... I really feel like he will be my best friend as well as lover, partner in crime, athletic partner and coach, and more.
As for the future, he is currently working on fashioning his life to make what he loves and knows best work for him financially. He has a diverse background in business and athletics and is putting plans in motion...and that is what I want to do. I want to find a way to combine athletics with pharmacy in a way that my career will actually foster my love of physical activity and endurance sports. I feel that my connection with James while he does this will be perfect for ideas and possible springboarding what I want to do.
So, while I am a bit hesitant about the thought of being in a relationship again, I feel so good about this... and I feel like I have kept my head this time. We both decided to take our time in the beginning, and everything he has said, he has done so far. Now I feel like I am rambling, but it's random thoughts, with the future in mind.
I feel good about this....even though I am telling guys I was going to meet in CO and AZ that I won't be visiting, I feel right. I have an awesome guy here. Why go pursue someone in another state that I may or may not even get to know better?
I am feeling like going for it...I AM going for it. He senses where I am at, and he sees me for who I am. We have similar things in the past that create a basis of understanding that I don't have with many other people. We can make comments that other people wouldn't understand, but we both know the underlying meaning. No explanation needed.
Yeah, I like him. I like my future...I feel good about things...actually, yesterday I felt amazingly balanced. I was able to get alot done, to not dwell on things so much, to picture myself in a more positive light....and I just felt calm about what is happening now and where it will lead. He is a good influence on me, a positive influence for sure.
Will write more about pharmacy later... just had James on the brain for a bit.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

When life throws a curveball....

I have been reminded yet again not to count too much on things going as planned. I have had a rough turn of events, and I am proud of myself for keeping positive. I honestly think a lot of it is surrounding myself with positive people, but overall it is me that determines how I deal with life. So, for a general timeline of my past year:

May 2007
1st year of pharmacy school finals
1 week later, classmate dies of drug overdose
Same day I find out, I started a fellowship and I hit the final straw with my husband and his addiction

Several months of serious training and emotional divorce

September 25, 2008
Separated from my husband- my daughter and I lived with my parents while I finished school and found an apartment

October 2008
SOMA HIM, my first- 5:46, well below my goal of 6 hours

November, 2008
Started dating Sean from Durango

December 12, 2008
Divorce is final

December 15, 2008
Finish finals and start moving into my new apartment

Several months of training more than studying, dating Sean, and adjusting to being a single mom again

April 20, 2008
Sean and I break up....we had been talking about the future, and I was sure I was falling in love. This breakup brought me to my knees and to this day hurts when I think of that week.

May 15, 2008
Finals end, and I don't care anymore about my grades, just that I survived

May 18, 2008
Buffman and Squeaky, Oly PR

May 20, 2008**- the curveball of 2008
Had a great 2-hour ride with new friend and ex pro-cyclist James, and that evening attended the crit, where I fractured my pelvis in a crash involving a pedestrian...separate entry for this event

May 24, 2008
Iron Horse Bicycle Classic, Durango, CO...was gonna be my first road race, but couldn't do it

May 25, 2008
Narrow Gauge 10-miler...again, couldn't do it

June 14, 2008
Take Keely to camp in Durango, where she will be for a month!
First ride outside on a bike since accident

June 17, 2008
4 weeks since crash and finished 4th successful bike ride

So, I have been feeling extremely unfocused for several months, but when I look at the fact that I went through a divorce involving some serious emotional issues I won't divulge online, and became a single mom again, plus keeping up (barely) in a tough year of pharmacy school, keeping up my training, dating a great guy only to have it fall apart right before finals, and then a major injury that has sidelined all of my wonderful and ambitious plans for the summer, I try and give myself a break.