Honesty

From MySpace again...
Sunday, August 17, 2008

On honesty and it’s place in a relationship
Current mood: pensive


So, been having some issues with honestly in my relationship, obviously. I find it hard to fathom how someone can not know that ultimate honesty is the basis of a relationship. Respect is really the foundation. Respect really is another term for unconditional love in my book. Out of respect comes honesty, for if you respect the person you are with, you know that honesty now will hurt him/her less in the long run. Unfortunately, honesty with others first requires honesty with self. One must address how he/she has erred in order to admit that to another. People are so in denial about their wrongs. In relationships, it all becomes about pointing fingers. When things go awry, even slightly off kilter, I first look at myself and how my actions might have changed to affect such change. I also look at the other person's life to try and understand. I no longer believe in "selfish love", in which you do something to elicit the other's affection, adoration, etc. That is utter bullshit and serves the other person no good. The idea is to make the other person's life better. If 2 people can make each other's lives a little better, then that is a beautiful thing. It isn't easy long term, but it is worth it.

I am reading a book called "Radical Honesty" by Brad Blanton. This guy doesn't fuck around. Here is a little excerpt. I hope it's meaning isn't lost in translation, as it is on pg. 80 of the book:

'Understanding telling the truth, like understanding golf, is relatively simple. Doing it is a little harder. Still, it's clear that the revelations at each level of telling the truth allow for greater sharing of who a person is and what they are about. When we reveal more, we have less to hide. When we have less to hide, we are less worried about being found out. When we are less worried about being found out, we can pay better attention to someone else. In this way, telling the truth makes intimacy and freedom possible.'

How simple and beautiful and true! Why can't everyone see it that way?! One must understand the 3 levels of truth he talks about to really get this, but it is applicable regardless.

It saddens me that my beau can't admit to himself how he is messing things up. I wholly admit where I erred, and if pointed out other things I did wrong, I would be able to admit them (if I truly agree). I can't move on and be a better partner until I have bettered myself. I am far from perfect. I make mistakes every day. I never claimed to be perfect, but damnit I am trying to be better! If I were perfect, I would have no room to grow!

Why can't I find a man who is able to admit he doesn't know the answer, one who can admit he did wrong and face the consequences, instead of just pushing away the woman he loves? Isn't it sad that someone could be so afraid to admit a wrong (possibly winning his woman back because of it, vs. losing her), that he would rather just withdraw, thus pushing her away until she is gone?

It's not tragic. It's downright pathetic. It's the second time in the past year this has happened, and I am looking hard and fast at myself. I don't see everything, and since the men in my life are too chickenshit to come forth and tell me how they really feel, well, I will have to try and figure it out myself. Maybe, a few more heartbreaks down the road, I will eventually figure out where I may be going wrong also.

Don't get me wrong. This is no pity party. I despise whining. The heartbreaks will come because I refuse to let myself become jaded and guarded. Each time I get hurt, I think a big part of the fear is a fear of shutting myself off, of becoming jaded to the point of pushing wonderful people out of my life. So far, the pain has not been worse than the joy has been good. I prefer to live my life in it's fullness, as painful as it can be.

It so does hurt though to see happy families. I have never had a true dad for my daughter....one that was there from day one to enjoy the infant days with me. I thought perhaps I might experience that with James. ....maybe....it was a remote possibility. I love to hear the stories of all the funny things my parents have done together, but it so pained me tonight, because I so want to be with someone whom I can have those years of experiences with. Yet, I won't settle for less. I won't settle for someone who can't communicate with me and can't face himself. I have had to face myself and my part in the destruction of my marriages. Every relationship is a dance. Usually, each person is doing something in reaction to the other that is perpetuating whatever experience is most painful for him/her. I have seen where I have done that. While I was not committing a sin, I can see how I made some situations escalate with my reactions.

Oh, to be honest and have someone be honest back! That's all I ask. Is it really so much? Is it really so much to ask for respect? Not admiration, not adoration, merely respect, utmost respect and the love that grows out of it.