Relationship Crash Course

Last one from MySpace
Thursday, September 04, 2008

Relationship crash course
Current mood: thoughtful


Part of this came from a response to a letter of concern from a distant friend... been doing alot of thinking and processing while grieving the loss of my latest relationship.... long story. I, the one who tells everyone she knows that she is not having any more kids, and she is not getting pregnant again, was open to the idea of having a family with James. He told me he was in it for the long haul, that he still wants to have kids, and I was seriousy considering the possibility. While I was with my ex-husband for 6 years, I never had that family unit. I raised Keely alone from day one and instead of sharing those tender young years, I struggled through divorce and school and work. I enjoyed her, but always alone. Even in my marriage, it wasn't the same. He was older, not so much into kids, although he took her in and loved her like his own. I still was always conscious of the fact that she was solely mine. I never thought I could have that little family unit from the start, until I met James. I have been so hurt lately because he broke up with me...it's a long story, and on one hand I respect him for it, but I also resent him for not giving us another chance. So, here is what I put in my letter:

It amazes me that I let this stuff get to me, but I let myself have relationships, and intense ones at that, because we only live once. I am so sick of people telling me that I just need to concentrate on school, that I don't have time for a relationship. I am in my 9th year of college. Can you imagine what a wound up, bitter little tight ass I would be if I had put off any relationships during all those years?! I have learned so much about myself and people through my last 3 relationships, it is unbelievable. I feel like I am in a crash course on relationship skills. Perhaps it is life getting me ready for the real one. Perhaps life is making sure I learn all my lessons so that when he comes along, I will be ready to have the real relationship I know exists...one where respect is at the foundation of all actions, where trust is inevitable vs doubtful, where it is safe to be oneself and to say what you feel without fear of the other person shutting off or leaving. RESPECT for the other involves first respecting yourself, and honesty with others involves first being honest with yourself.... I got the lesson in honesty with my ex, then respect with the last one, but with James I learned to be honest with myself, and hence honest with others. That's what cost me. I was honest with James at the risk of losing him, and it backfired. I guess it wasn't meant to be, or at least I have to think that way in order to function. Otherwise, I am standing in an open doorway, door flung open, air rushing out, but looking out onto a closed door.... that's counterproductive to healing.

And I think that instead of letting another guy in, I am gonna get a dog to keep me company on those lonely nights when I am stuck at home (because I have to stay with my daughter you know) and everyone is asleep. I can talk to my dog, hold her, and get unconditional love and affection without all the heartache.... maybe just getting through those lonely nights will allow me to not seek companionship.... now I am going against all I said in the beginning of the blog, but that's how life goes.... full circle.